Memory File: Open
One obvious but stark realization when a loved one dies is that your memories with and of them are now complete. No more to be added, no opportunities to reminisce with them about the experiences you shared. The evaporation of the opportunity to create more memories feels excruciatingly final.
After Haley died, a young man gave me a glimmer of hope as he dropped a card in a basket with many others at her funeral. Amongst the many beautiful and carefully selected cards, his and a few others that were similar stood out. He had taken the time to thoughtfully relay an interaction that he’d had with Haley a few years before, when he was a Grade 6 student and Haley was his Kindergarten buddy. He would find her at recess to play with her, and one day brought her a Hershey’s Cookies ‘N’ Crème chocolate bar. She was thrilled and from that day on, Cookies ‘N’ Crème, and her kind buddy, were her favorites! The sharing of that interaction, resulting in a memory that I could recreate in my own mind to add to the copious but now finite memories already there, brought me a sliver of joy in a very dark time. His words gave me hope that my “Haley memories” file could remain open as long as others helped me add to it!
A few days after the funeral, I had to stop at a nearby drugstore to mail a government document relating to Haley’s death. As I walked out, in a distracted and somewhat numb state given the finality of what I’d just done, the mom of one of Haley’s classmates walked in. She said hello and explained she was just going in to buy a card for us. She shared a story with me about Haley – actually about her son and his friends who had been in her home one day, and she overheard them agreeing that Haley was the one girl in the class who was always sweet and kind. Not a direct memory of Haley, but a memory about her character to add to my own. I assured this thoughtful mom that no card was needed – she had just given me something so much better than any sentiment on a card she could have chosen!
I’ve appreciated many similar experiences shared with me over the years since Haley died, including some very recently, to my amazement. I am so grateful to all who’ve had the courage to share those memories of their own experiences with Haley – and I hope I’ve ensured they understand how much those memories mean to me!
So many people have no idea what to say to someone who is grieving the loss of someone close to them. Sharing something about that person is a practice I’ve adopted as I know the difference it has made to me. I will take as many memories as I can get, even if they are not my own, and hope I can offer the same unexpected bonus memories to others about their loved ones too, so that our memory files can remain open.